After I was told that we had lost the baby and we decided to wait for the miscarriage to start naturally, I started to panic. Days passed and my body carried on like normal. I stopped taking the progesterone gels that I had been prescribed and started to feel less pregnant every day, yet still nothing happened. I felt as if my body could truly do nothing right.
I tried searching forums and googled every culmination of words relating to ‘missed miscarriage’ I could think of, but I struggled to find anything that felt like it was explaining the situation I was in. I felt anxious all the time. I imagined the worst; that it would happen at work, sat in a traffic jam, or queuing at the super market check-out. That it would be fast and furious, that it would quickly soak through my clothing and that everyone around me would see. No matter what I read nothing could answer my questions: When will start? How much will it hurt? What will happen? I felt a sense of panic every time I left the house and eventually this lead us to the decision of having a surgically managed procedure to end it. This was such a hard decision to make. I felt an enormous sense of guilt, that I had actively decided to take this route. I can’t explain why, but I felt like I was betraying the baby, even though the logical part of my mind knew the baby was gone and that it was what I needed to do for my own sanity.
And yet even though the decision had been made, I still had to wait. Wait for another appointment, wait knowing that it could, that it might, still happen at any moment. And those questions of when, how, what, continued to pray on my mind.
Desperate for knowledge, I searched the hashtag #missedmiscarriage on instagram and was faced with some pretty harrowing images. I wouldn’t recommend doing that even if you aren’t as squeamish as I am! Then I turned YouTube and again it was hard to find what I was looking for, until I remembered that beauty and lifestyle vlogger Anna Saccone Joly, had a miscarriage in the past. I looked back through her channel and finally found what I was looking for.
I can’t tell you how much it helped watching that video. I really admire her for being so brave to put it out there, it must have been incredibly difficult to film. She put my mind at ease that if it did happen naturally then I could handle it. She talked through her account of the physical side of it so calmly. She was honest but sensitive. No harrowing images. No dramatisations. Just information.