About a month after the miscarriage I ordered some of the yes mum fertility cards I had seen in my instagram feed. A small box of 31 cards with positive affirmations relating to fertility arrived a day or two after ordering them online.
One of my biggest concerns since losing the baby has been the thought of going through ivf for a second time. I’ve felt pretty terrified by it yet eager to crack on with it. I was worried time was not on my side and I needed to hurry up. Worried I wasn’t strong enough. Anxious to go through all the internal scans, to inject all those hormones into my system. Could I handle it a second time? Would it work again? Should I be that lucky another time? Was I brave enough to face it all after the miscarriage? I needed help. Something to focus my thoughts. Something positive to cling on to.
In the beginning, I would take a card from the top of the shuffled pack of cards every morning without fail and take a picture of it so I would have it with me all day. I would put it somewhere I could see while I was getting ready, usually tucked inside the frame of my dressing table mirror, and I would let those good, positive thoughts go deep into my brain.
If my mind started getting a bit hectic during the day at work, or I felt that familiar rush of emotion coming from almost nowhere, I would take my phone out and give myself a minute to look at the card again and refocus.
I can’t explain why or how, but it gave me confidence. I started to believe I had everything under control, that I was making the best choices for me, and that really, truly, everything is going to be ok.
Three months later I use them slightly differently, but I still use them daily. Now I incorporate them into every day life in a way that feels more natural, less frantic. I use them as bookmarks in my terrifying crime reads and on my shelves as little decorative reminders that I’ve got this. I leave them in places that I can see them without it being so conscious, and leave the same cards in place for a few days, or weeks, at a time rather than changing them daily.
The main change is that my thought process is off to a positive start almost from the moment I wake up because the card by my bed is one of the first things I see, and you can’t ask for more than that in life really can you?
So, when it comes to the second cycle of ivf, can I handle it a second time? Will it work again? Will I be that lucky another time? I still don’t know. But I do know that yes, yes I am brave enough to face it all again after the miscarriage. Yes I’m brave enough to try, and these little cards have helped me realise it.
If you are open and willing to try them I think these cards are very helpful, not just after a miscarriage and not just if you are having ivf, but wherever you are in your journey to becoming a mum, and whatever that journey looks like. The path to parenthood is anything but simple for so many of us, and so the simplicity of these cards is a revelation.
This post is not sponsored, I’m just trying to share things that are helping me on this journey in the hope that they might help someone else struggling too.