36 things…

I’ll be honest, as my 36th birthday approached last month I was feeling pretty miserable. It was a month after we found we had lost the baby, three weeks after surgery to end the missed miscarriage. I was torn between desperately trying to feel like myself again and still wanting to wallow in the sadness.

The number 36 was bearing down me, and I felt the pressure of all the things I had failed to do as a 35-year-old. Becoming a mother sat top of that list in bold block caps, neatly underlined. I decided to try and pull myself out of the funk with, amongst other things, a birthday bucket list. I listed 36 things to do before I turn 37, a simple concept I have seen all over the internet and boy did it feel good! I wrote down things that make me happy that I should do more of such as baking and reading, and things I’ve always wanted to do but never gotten around to like going on the London eye. Nothing ground-breaking here, but it’s a list that will mean when I look back on my 36th year I won’t feel it was filled with nothing but ivf and waiting, because let me tell you, that shit can be all consuming.

That’s part of the reason I started this blog, to document the everyday as much as I can. It’s important, I think, to appreciate the little things and just as important not to let them slip by you or miss out on them because the big, life changing, stuff is sucking all of your energy and time.

Of course I have other hopes and dreams for this year. I’d like to buy a house, own a sausage dog named Biscuit (true story) and it goes without saying, become a mother. But these things are bigger picture, life goals if you like, and I need to focus on the little things at the moment because those are the things that are getting me by.

So here’s to a year of baking cakes, of reading more, of berry picking, of exploring new cities, of trying to keep a plant alive, hosting a fancy dinner party and finding adventure in the everyday.

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